@Darlainky: I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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@Thynebear: [Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
@KylePlantEmoji: You, idiot magician: I've sawed a lady in half! Me, brilliant English teacher: you've SEEN a lady in half
@_coryrichardson: doctor: *placing his hand on my shoulder* i’m so sorry for your loss me: w-what are you saying doctor: of hearing me: what
@OFalafel: Man on train saying he's in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.