I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.