no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Yes, this is exactly right
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle