@DOGGEAUX: i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results
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@InternetHippo: *phone rings* SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week? ME: No returns SATAN: Please. It's making me sad
@brandonIee: I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I'm sorry, but I've moved on, and maybe it's time that you do too.
@dave_cactus: [sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES - ASK US] ME: Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?
@shutupmikeginn: "Oh, you're left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show