Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Phones down.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs