I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Risking my life for fun.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail