I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.