i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
You Might Also Like
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.