@novicefather: I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.
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@audipenny: Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it's like "well I better just go with it" and I begin sprinting at them
@PaperWash: [driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
@ch000ch: would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go "ahh makes sense"
@DevinSiebold: Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez... the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.