Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
screw you
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
*seductively eats two tums*
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.