I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit