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*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.