@NippleAdam: I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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@david8hughes: "911? Help, my house is burning down!" "Sir, we're sending the fire brigade right now." "I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON'T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT."
@VaDawn13: Dear Restaurant Managers: If more than 3 employees ask me how I'm enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don't know.
@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
@HansGrubertron: DATING COACH: So you tried flirting? ME: Sure, I gave her 'the look' DATING COACH: Show me *I bite my lip seductively* DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?