I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”