I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.