I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Girl, same.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.