I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*