i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
listen closely
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today