@joeldanger: I enjoy visiting countries where I don't speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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@Lisa_Bizzle: Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say "Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?" And he can, he can hold them all.
@SteveSuckington: [100 year old man on job interview] "Do you have any references?" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
@weinerdog4life: When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can't get over the fence