I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed