I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar