*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*