I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour