Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The USS B port
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.