I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.