I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
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philosophical skeletons be like
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.