Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.