I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.