I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.