I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.