@FatherWithTwins: I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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@lovemydogduck: I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
@Cheeseboy22: Overheard in 2nd grade class today: "Do your work! Santa's watching right now." "Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago."
@brennadine: [In line at Starbucks] [Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so- [Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
@DivorceDad: I just got this twitter error: "The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it." Apparently, twitter thinks we're married.