I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No