I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Dietest Coke
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.