I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!