i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?