I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not