@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."
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@shegotagronk: My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
@therealeatwood: GOD: Moses!! I COMMAND YOU TO—can you take your shoes off MOSES: What? Why G: I’m trying to keep the place nice, OK? M: It’s a mountain