@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."
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@NicCageMatch: The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it's already dead.
@JustinGuarini: Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there's Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
@JDBBourg: Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight Me: Sure no problem Doctor: Not white wine Me:
@therealeatwood: MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu MUGGER: Huh? ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]