@max_pad21: I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."
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@ClaytonSykes: Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn't already know that.
@bromanconsul: LA girls say they want to go on "adventures" but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking
@Skullcat: When a big account that doesn't follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
@iGreenMonk: Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide. Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.