How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
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I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.