One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
When someone trying to leave me
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats