They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?