me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.