Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes