@SondraDeeMe: I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as "Low Blood Sugar Girl" while rushing my limp body to a table.
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@UnFitz: [a duel] Him: Choose your weapons. Me: Um...banjos. Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
@solomongeorgio: I was called a faggot by an angry homeless woman last night. I would've been offended but I was too busy living in a home.
@CAshmanActor: [buying shoes for our kids] her: which do you like better me: idk probably our daughter
@Birdhumms: My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me