I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
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[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Acronyms got me like WTF?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.