I falcon love using swear birds
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion