I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
What if all the cashiers are married?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist