[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.