@MiniiG: I fall in love too easily.
It's ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
@thenatewolf: "You are terrible at metaphors."
"Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you."
@kumailn: "Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors
@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
@WheelTod: [Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I'd like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I'm sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
@Ndeshi_M: I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.