I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
But wait…
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.