*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
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interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.