My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start