ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
relationship goals