I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Squirrels before girls.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
how was your vacation
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.