@GregDorris: I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@_laurabee_: woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she's forgotten her glasses. 'dog has shit entire length of kitchen.'
@RobDenBleyker: I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said "Never forget what I'm about to tell you" then some story about corn.
@nayele18: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"