@GregDorris: I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend's dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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@ingmarbirdman: i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards
@BitchyJasmine: Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I'm quite confused. Who's the deaf one again?
@jazmasta: *strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called "I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song"
@lisaxy424: Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s