I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon