@CauseWereGuys: I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.
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@SenatorBigfoot: "How's Mason doing?" Ugh, he's going through this emu kid phase. "Don't you mean emo kid?" *boy covered in feathers runs past* I wish.
@crunchenhancer: My wife told me she "likes it rough." So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll. -how guys understand women
@jjhartinger: I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
@thecrabbyhook: You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she's allergic to owls.