a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]