I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?