I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.